Oops, it’s Sunday, I nearly forgot! It’s time for a laugh again. Thank you so much for these jokes, kindly sent in via email, I really needed them today…. wait I take that back – I need them everyday!!! I hope that everyone finds amusement in these too.
Silly Sunday – time for a joke or two
The CEO of a large managed care corporation [may as well be a workcover insurance company] was sitting in his office late one night, gloating over his latest acquisitions. Suddenly, with a puff of smoke and the smell of brimstone, Satan appeared before him.
Satan smiled at the CEO and said, “I have a proposition for you. You can win every health care contract you bid on, for the rest of your life. Your colleagues will stand in awe of you, physicians will fear you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, and the souls of all your friends and the souls of all shareholders in your company.”
The CEO thought about this for a moment, then asked, “So, what’s the catch?”
3 men rock up at the gates of heaven to be met by St Peter, who will decide their eternal fate.
First man says “I was married to a pompey girl”. St Peter says “To heaven with you, paradise you deserve”. Off he floats.
Second man says “I was married to a pompey girl and also lived there”. St Peter says “To heaven with you, paradise you deserve”. Off he floats.
Third man says “I was married to a pompey girl, lived there, and for years had the mother in law with us”. St Peter says “To hell with you”. The man asks “but why? How come the others got paradise”? To which St Peter replies “After all that, hell will seem like paradise”!
And here are some ‘Frequently Asked Questions About Health Care:
Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, “Hey, Moe!” It roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with high-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.
Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories: those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don’t worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day’s drive away!
Q. What are pre-existing conditions?
A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.
Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don’t require any treatment.
Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You’ll need to find alternative forms of payment.
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but I’d already paid my bill. What should I do?
A. You have two choices: your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.
Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.
Q. No, I mean what if I’m away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn’t do that. You’ll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It best to wait until you return, and then get sick.
Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can an HMO general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you’re risking is the $10 co-payment, there’s no harm giving him a shot at it.
Q. How is a hospital gown like insurance?
A. You’re never covered as much as you think you are.
Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?
A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.
Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then
The following quotes were taken from actual medical records, as dictated by physicians.
She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
The patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
She is numb from her toes down.
The skin was moist and dry.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.