How do people with chronic pain and their partners maintain a healthy, exciting sex life?
Chronic Pain: Stop it from Sucking the Fun Out of Your Sex Life
by Kal Cobalt
Though chronic pain has become a more medically-recognized condition, whether as a complication of another diagnosis or an unexplained phenomenon existing by itself, one frontier remains: How do people with chronic pain and their partners maintain a healthy, exciting sex life?
“Chronic” And “Pain” May Not Be What You Think They Are
We’ve come a long way in understanding the problem of chronic pain. Fewer doctors dismiss the issue, and most of us know someone who suffers from it for one reason or another. But there’s still plenty of confusion about what chronic pain actually is, and there’s certainly no pat way to handle it thanks to the variety of how our bodies have trouble. Explaining chronic pain is often difficult and sometimes impossible, even if you ask a chronic pain sufferer to do it.
Take me, for example. It may be hard to believe, but I didn’t even know I’ve had lifelong chronic pain until a few months ago. Between a high pain tolerance and a tendency to assume that physical things I experience are normal, I figured everyone’s shoulders burned by the end of most days and sudden, incapacitating back spasms were what people meant by “lower back ache.” Everyone has everyday aches, to be sure, but for someone like me who worked normally with a dislocated rib for a month and has walked around on a partially dislocated hip without painkillers, I’m hardly able to put myself on the 1-to-10 pain scale appropriately.
While some parts of my situation are unusual, most of us with chronic pain share the inability to tell what is “normal” and what is not, we deal with inconclusive and confusing attempts to help from the medical community, and many of us have perfectly good days (or even weeks or months) before chronic pain comes unexpectedly knocking once more. As you can imagine, all of this can make sexual encounters the not-so-fun kind of roulette.
Do Ask, And Do Tell!
Rule #1 of any relationship should be honesty, but this goes double for intimate situations involving people with chronic pain. If your partner has a chronic pain condition you’ve heard of, remember that everyone’s experience of pain is unique. You need to ask about your specific partner’s experience of pain and what specific triggers you can avoid when you’re between the sheets. Similarly, if you have chronic pain, your chances of enjoying some pain-free nookie increase dramatically when you can articulate what you know about your condition.
Since chronic pain is hard even for doctors to pinpoint, you can expect that no matter how thorough your conversation is, it can’t cover everything, but discussing what you can beforehand can help hugely in the moment. For example, I’m extra flexible, which is great fun in bed — but my hips and back can seize up or go out if you look at them sideways. I explain this to my partners and tell them that if it happens, I will yell “HIPS!” and they should stop everything, without trying to move me even if I’m in a funny position. And then, of course, I give them a wink and a nod and explain that if I shout anything that isn’t “HIPS!” they should absolutely keep going, heh heh. (There’s no reason why The Pain Talk can’t be foreplay. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.)
Communicating When Bodies Don’t
It’s hard sometimes to know if pain will derail a date. On Tuesday, I might be able to put my ankle behind my head, and on Wednesday, getting out of the car can be an ordeal. The cuffs used to spread-eagle me on the bed might feel sexy and comfortable when they go on, and five minutes later my back will stage a full-on revolt — or worse, my back will give me the “just a warning, I’m about to make your life a living hell” twinge and I’ll ignore it because whips and chains and mouths are a whole lot more fun to concentrate on.
No amount of communication can prevent every flare-up, but simple check-ins from time to time between partners can go a long way. While it might break the mood to ask or be asked “How is your chronic pain with what I just did?” (well, unless you’re into medical scenes…), checking in doesn’t have to be that explicit. My household deals with a variety of chronic pain complaints, and over time we’ve come to learn one another’s signals. We more or less operate under the “if you see something, say something” rule (or maybe I just think about it that way because Big Brother is a hot fantasy) — if someone stiffens up in a funny way, or makes an unusual noise, or a limb that often causes pain is in an awkward position, that’s cause to ask a question in a non-invasive way. If you’ve laid the groundwork for communication, simply asking “Is it good?” or “You okay?” or “how’s that arm?” should be enough to bring a partner’s attention to the potential problem without bringing the lovin’ to a screeching halt.
Helping Hands
There are a million wedges, pillows, vibrators, and toys on the market that can make sex a more pain-free experience, and as long as they’re used in conjunction with communication instead of as a weak replacement, they’re fantastic! Here are a few to look into.
Wedge pillows made specifically for sex help take stress off joints and muscle groups. (Stacked pillows will do in a pinch, but be careful not to fall over!)
A body pillow can turn spoon-style sex into a delightfully cozy experience.
Wrist cuffs made for suspension, which take the stress off the delicate bones of the wrist, can be used in “normal” (heh) bondage situations with the same benefits, and nearly every restraint can now be purchased with padding or extra-wide for happier joints.
A blanket over the top half of the body can keep someone with temperature sensitivity warm while you’re busy with their bottom half.
Many dildos are available extra-long or with curved handles to help reach your best bits without stressing shoulders.
Most lubricants are available in pump bottles for stiff hands and fingers.
Heat packs, mentholated rubs, Epsom salt baths, and other common treatments for pain can be sexed up with a little imagination. Creativity is pain’s enemy — go for it!
[Source: http://www.edenfantasys.com/sexis/sexual-health/chronic-pain-and-sex-1201111/print/]
What about people (with chronic pain) who don’t have a libido? Perhaps because of depression, anti-depressant medication, extreme stresses inflicted upon them by the insurance company? I honestly don’t remember when I last had sex! No matter what kind of gadgets are available, no matter all the ‘counselling’, sometimes you just don’t have a libido, point.And what about all those who have lost their girl/boyfriends, husbands/wifes because of the terrible stresses put on to them by the workcover insurance system? Ever thought about that?
Cynical
What about people in chronic pain, who have no social life because they’ve been systematically abandoned, and have no realistic chance of having sex, let alone having a date.
Would you go on a date with the gritty, grimey man/woman begging for a dollar on the floor of the train station? Why not? Yeah, i thought so. So assuming you _were_ the man/woman begging, who do you think is likely to go on a date with you? Would you be happy wtih that situation? One day, happy, successful, house, considering a family. Next, alone, broke, legal case. constant pain, very little sleep. No light at the end of the tunnel. How do you even think about putting someone in a position to suffer it with you? Nobody should have to suffer abuse at the hands of these abusers, let alone people on the sidelines. And usually they don’t. But even if they did, it’s not a smart choice.
End result is, those of you who still have people in your lives to have sex with, you’re so lucky. It’s the best distraction I know of for pain, yet I’m not sure I’d want to ruin it by having it prescribed.
I want someone to share life with, not share the railway bridge with. Australian’s need to step up, and stop allowing our welfare systems to be abused, and sacked by politicians for profit, or they need to step up socially and “lend a hand” (even if they do this, they really should still get politically active enough to slap down every politicians hand anywhere near the cookie-jar)
Will you find your political voice, and write your MP whenever you see systemic abuses, stand up for what’s right, just, and the good Australian fair-go way. Lend a hand. Life be in it. You pick the slogon. But do you choose that, or do you choose the american “I have my huge car, house, and if you don’t like it, I’m going to point my gun at you” method of running the world. It’s unaustralian, yet we are setting ourselves up for an outcome that looks identical. We’re already a good part of the way there, and we’re running, not walking in that direction.
Stop it before it’s too late. Yes you.
Ben.
Aside from that, this post made me even more upset and depressed about my plight.
I suspect I’m unlikely to have sex ever again, unless my injures get magic-better, or there’s a prompt, and full payment of my legally entitled dues (which really only results in “a chance” of me getting lucky on a risky investment sufficient to earn more than the disability pension anyway – and it’s not really a “team-building” event, having a whole bunch of cash in lieu of being able to properly contribute to the household by working, or doing chores… People mentally keep score. Don’t do the dishes because it causes too much pain, and you lose the dishes points. When your capacity is such that you cannot ever hope to keep up wtih lifes little demands, you wind up in a spiral of relationship destruction. And that’s in the lucky event that you started off the injury with a strong, healthy relationship. The reality is, people with injuries are left for dead. Society should hand us guns to shoot ourselves with at the scene of the injury and save the cost insurance at all. And I’m sure some people think I’m not being facetious and that it’s actually a good idea, if only they could get away with it.
One does not get to buy a house, or have children on a disability pension. It’s great if you own your own home already, and can effectively retire early. But people who get injured young, it’s dramatically unfair towards, who wind up with no realistic life choices.
Sorry for the double-rant. This post has touched a deep and painful nerve.
<sheds a tear, and vows to keep fighting for political change to eradicate the corruption that plagues politics. And I need you, “the people” …. you ask who to vote for? You know it doesn’t matter, because they’re all largely the same bunch of assholes. Right. So rather than voting, pick your lobby — give me the power to threaten politiicans with your vote, so I can force them into adopting reaonsable and honest polices.
Ben.
Oh, and I know you can come up with reasons why it’s not true. But look at your motivations, it’s in my opinion blind optimism, hope. There are exceptions, but they don’t dismiss the balance of probabilities.
Add it up. It’s all a cost of the injuries I suffered at the hands of negligence. It reduces the probabilities. Is there some probability the grimey begger finds his true love in a millionaire? Sure. Should society be putting up rags-to-riches stories as evidence for people shat on by society? No way. Blind faith, not supported by the evidence.
Would you be willing to suffer it?
What should we do as a society about it? We can’t exactly force people to have sex with grimey sidewalk dwellers. It’s unreasonable to expect them to move to a third world country.
The first thing we need to do in my opinion, is provide good solid protections, and a high quality compensation system. Not treat injured workers as second class _humans_ …. let alone second class _citizens_ …. let alone second class partners, lovers, husbands, wives. Equal opportunity. It’s just as important for people disabled by injury, as it is for women “physically disabled” by genetics (my tongue is in my cheek here a little, understand my point and move on). We need to not only stand up for womens rights, black rights. But disabled rights. Any minority group who can’t fend for themselves. There are tradeoffs to make — no doubt — one society (australia) cannot afford to pay for the globes destitute. Yet, with solid social policy, we might just be able to create a framework that could function elsewhere that is the foundation stone for a truely modern democracy.
But we have to start.
I can’t do it myself, I’ve barely my words left, and I often put too much anger and pain in them to get people really inspired to change. I need help. I need your help. Will you help? Stand up and be counted.
Ben.
I know what you’re saying, Ben and it’s all true.
On the other hand there are many injured/disabled people out there, in a similar situation as you and I are in, both male and female…
Anyone who still has it in ‘em…. please feel free to use this site to find a date, why not
And like the rest of the population, I don’t want to shack up with a disabled person. And shouldn’t be forced by virtue of it being the only choice. It’s a horrible life strategy, as it compels that neither partner has normal capacity to keep up with society, and that the partnership cannot compete for resources on an even footing under any circumstances with the rules of society being the way they are. At least with one healthy partner, there are tradeoffs that can be made – as shit as they are.
But show me the healthy person willing to voluntarily suffer such a fate that doesn’t have a giant bag of other issues such that makes them even more undesirable than someone with a disability.
May as well suggest I move to the moon because I’m no longer welcome on Earth.
Competition is that hard a master. And it’s a *barrier to entry* regardless of what your emotions, feelings, or romantic novels tell you about what can happen.
With the current rules, it’s a rational decision for your patner to dump you like a sack of hot rocks. But it’s not socially the right thing to do. Compassion, emotion, ethics, morals. All tied up in there somewhere. But the bottom line is, if you’re suggesting I find a disabled female, you should consider sucking your own lemons and dumping your significant other, and also finding someone disabled. Who is also suffering the same lack of capacity, lack of funding, legal fights, stress. How long do you think it’d last? Running out of money happens a lot faster with less of it to share, and twice the financial burnders medically, and so on.
It’s not a good outcome, and when you think it through, in reality rather than romantic fantasy land, does it make sense what I’m saying?
Ben.
I am not saying all you (we) have left are dates or relationships with other injured/disabled people. But maybe a way of finding a special person is through this site as many injured people and their relatives and non-injured friends read it (and anyone else with a remote interest in injuries/safety etc). I think the important bit is to find someone who does not shy away from an injured person and who understands us. My significant half has had a bad back injury many years ago and I think this is the reason why T and I are still together, because T has pretty good understanding and insight of and into the impact of an injury on a whole person…. does this make sense?
Besides what’s wrong with an injured/disabled person?
Because society doesn’t protect disabled people, the problem is disabled people can’t compete. So it basically guarantees you lose ever game society dreams up. With at least one healthy partner, some of those deficiencies can be worked around, even if it does create an unfair burden on the healthy partner.
Disabled people are people, and they shouldn’t be considered, or treated as second class citizens. But our society does. And until that changes, I’m forced to reject them as partners, unless I’m willing to accept destitution and look for a partner who’s also willing to suffer it with me. No mod cons. Barely food. Constant struggle for bare survival, let alone success or happiness. Life goals of “can I eat today” rather than anything most people consider normal. Just not willing, nor should I be required, even if the result is a life filled with love vs a life filled with fighting for justice. The right choice isn’t always the easy choice.
And even if she can accept the situation — I can’t. And the fact I cant, forces me to fight, and creates even more pressures on any potential partner. And even if she was willing, I, as a good person, am unwilling to subject any possible future partner to it. It’s not right, nice, or reasonable or just. It doesnt’ meet my ethical or moral standards. So my love life is just simply on hold for the sake of justice. Be that it may be forever, I’m unwilling to compromise on my standards through coercsion or force. I’m sure there’s a nice inspirational quote, but I can barely think straight from pain & lack of sleep, and google is failing me – so forgive this excuse & placeholder (perhaps readers of the blog can assist with a good quote)
And, on the balance of probabiliies, I will probably die without ever seeing it happen, looking at the modern world.
Depressive, or reality?
I’m having trouble faulting my own logic — perhaps you can do better without resorting to fallacies in logic, belief or hope.
On the balance of probabilities, your days with T are numbered, despite his previous injury. The stragglers eventually get left behind to be eaten by a lion in any herd behaviour. Just we’ve dragged out that outcome by creating “some” social order. I’m not being mean, or suggesting it to speed the outcome. But rather, I hope recognising the incentives will enable and empower you to do something about it before the game is over and he is gone.
Ben.
Love comes around when you least expect it! I met T when I was in the deepest of shit and really did not have my mind on meeting someone, let alone the interest, and yet it happened out of the blue. I met T a few months into my injury, after having undergone 3 failed surgeries and less than 3 months before the first hart failure that came as a very near fatal complication of major surgery number 4. Since then I have undergone 4 more (failed) surgeries, 1 more heart complication and got the sack as well and we’re still together. Not to say that it has been easy, we’ve had our ups and downs but overall I think we’ve come out stronger, so far …and I do cherish every moment with T and am extremely grateful for T’s support in any shape and form and, above all, I make sure T knows it every single day too. Never give up hope, you never know what’s around the corner!
Awww.
Your book could be a romantic-insurance novel?
Even if “love” came knocking, I couldn’t accept it, I do not have capacity to invest in it, and can’t afford it’s costs, neither financially, or time/focus.
Reality is a harsh mistress.
Ben.
If it’s real love, you will be powerless against it…. awwwww
I’ve a pretty good track record of willpower vs love. For better or worse.
Your comment is testamant to the blind hope and optimism that seems to be quite a uniquely human trait. Perpetual deferal of payoff.
Even if there is still someone out there that is *possible* for me to fall in love with, the additional constraints that injury and the TAC’s abuse imposes, financially, mentally, stress, capacity, just simply leaves me in a position where the odds have reduced several orders more magnitude in liklihood.
There are a lot of people who go through life without ever finding a partner. The odds of me being one of those people has increased dramatically. All uncompensated risk (though one might argue it is compensated in the “suffering” side of common law damages – but that’s so pathetically low and difficult to claim, that it’s barely worth the time and effort to go to court to have a chance of being paid my rightful, just and legal entitlement. Let alone actually compensating something.
They politicians setting the limits are very clearly setting “value pricing” limits as disincentive from claiming, and turning up “abuse” mechanisms to further disincentivise people from claiming.
Why oh why does the common man not understand this, believe it, and fight against it with vigour. It’s their money the people in power are misappropriating. And if one of your family members gets injured, it’s you who’ll wind up being put in a position to choose between “helping” at your personal expense, or leaving them for dead. And they shouldn’t be such a significant burden, because assistance should be available through the insurances, rather than outright, gloves-off, systemic, legal, political, process, administrative abuses.
It’s just sad, people need to stand up and join this fight soon,. For your sakes. For my sake. For peace, justice, and just because it’s the right thing to do.
And I bet I get zero-ish responses. People just do not care, and are defacto approving the systemic abuse I’m suffering. And playing the same strategy, lying, stealing, results in a significant uprisk for me personally, through assymetric enforcement of the law. Either we’re a country with laws, or we’re not. Having laws for some really *should* result in a hell of a lot more people going postal. Yet, despite the fact that some do go postal, the system has evolved to enforce a media blackout on it so people don’t find out people are pushed to the point of violence and even being willing to self harm to try and get the publics awareness of this human rights travesty in our own back yard.
Summary version, the worlds fucked, we’re fucked, there’s no hope unless we accept suffering with the people “at our level” in society. I got downgraded due to negligence in traffic. And I’m supposed to suffer that cost, and all ti implies.
Ben..